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Don’t Marry For Goddess Sake!!!!

Do you think Marriage is ‘just’ the consensual union of two persons?

bWell…Not at least in my country! More than this, here, it’s a socially and ritually recognised coming together of two partners which in addition to love also establishes rights and obligations between them, and between them and their In-laws, and not to forget, the relatives!

It’s complicated as majority of us actually like these customs, and go miles to maintain a ‘preset’ social image. The couple remain too busy tending ‘important’ relations that it gives them quite some time off each other. Possibly these potent distractions have contributed to ‘one-life, one-life partner’ concept, prevalent here (you spend less time with each other which is by default the ‘quality’ time 🙂 ). Though, variations do occur but yeah, the expectations are heavier on the side of a ‘SHE’.

It’s rather hilarious that the moment a girl is chosen for the wedding, she is paralleled to Lakshmi (the Goddess of wealth). There’s no harm in that but after all, the girl is compared to a Goddess, and the Goddess is obviously expected to shower bounty of riches in every possible form. Undoubtedly, the Bride-cum-Goddess is lost in a catch-22 situation as it difficult to satisfy the never-ending greed of the pack, and she is soon to run out of the resources. Minus-resources, she longingly looks towards her saviours, ‘her parents’ who are often seen desperate to fill her emptying cache. Receiving such inexhaustible boon, the people live happily ever after…well…not exactly…such people are never happy; the feeling is temporary, soon to fade!

I too am married and have seen plenty of marriages (simple and extravagant; successful and unsuccessful; happy and unhappy) in my culture and a few subcultures as well. Exceptions do occur, mind you! Not everyone is equally ‘insatiable’. I am one fortunate soul but marriage in itself is no less than an adventure from the very beginning!

Lately I got interested in researching the basic philosophy behind this marriage thing (so expect some more such articles 🙂 ), and here is the crux (and I believe many of my own culture people don’t know it!). In our sacred scriptures eight types of marriages are described, out of which ‘Braham Vivah’ is considered the ideal form of marriage between a Boy and a Girl from equal stature families. In this, Boy’s family approaches the girl’s family; No Dowry is involved; and the girl is accepted in two sets of clothes and a few ornaments. (It’s hard to spot these days as no girl wants to have such limited options 😉 ).

Our Shashtra also acknowledges Love marriages as a marriage which does not involve the consent of any of the parents. Interestingly, a marriage would also take place when everyone was ready except for the girl’s parents. (Past people were bolder, I tell you. People today are so confused, they don’t know their own history and keep condemning love marriage for no good reason except for breaking some hearts 😦 ).

None of the eight marriage types revealed anything in particular about the much hyped Dowry from bride’s side however when the Boy is either not of equal stature or is deficient in some nature, it is said that he used to pay the girl’s family (reverse of present day Dowry).

So basically this unnecessary burden of dowry is added later on by some clever minded folks. What else justifies this evil?

One of my colleague said that earlier both the families used to contribute positively in some form so that the newlywed couple could settle their home; it was a kind of help but slowly this became an obligation to be born only by the girl’s family.

Having a son is still considered a privilege by many. This is partly because our system still works on family ties, and the ageing parents still hope to be taken care by the son during the dusk of their life.

Okay fine, I have no problem with that. What I wonder ‘Is it some  of fee that a girl’s parents pay in advance to buy a pass for their daughter to enter your home? And then she is also expected to take care of you more than her own parents!’

Surprisingly a girl manages to do it somehow but don’t you think it’s too mean for an expectation!

(*This post is author’s personal view on the matter and is not targeted at any special person. Day to day observations and ‘the willing’ but ‘confused’ ‘to-be-wed’ people inspired this write-up)

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Happy life can not be bought or gifted; Try something else

Married woman complains of dowry harassment by husband, mother-in-law

Dowry is one of the most criticized yet, most practised custom in our culture. We see people shouting slogans against ‘taking’ dowry and Government, making every possible strict rule for people ‘asking’  dowry. But has this stopped? Have we actually changed?

No! I don’t think so. However, we have replaced the ‘word’ with a ‘suitable’ one. We don’t call it ‘dowry’ any more; instead we refer to dowry as ‘Gifts from parents’ to their daughter. More, the better; and costlier, the lovelier. Too much show-off, literally blinding one’s eyes.

Dowry (sorry, gifts!) is not the only problem here. A survey says Indians on an average spend major portion of their savings on a wedding. I mean, really! Is it necessary to be so extravagant? I have seen people who are not at all willing to spend even a penny on their girl’s education, but the same people happily spend lacs on her marriage. How do one explain that?

Even earlier, people used to arrange marriages at their home. The customs and ceremonies would extend for days. The resources were few, back then; but hearts were big. Marriage used to be a matter of joy and togetherness. Everything used to have a personal touch; people were attended individually by the host. Now, nobody wants to waste time being at service of others, so they intelligently outsource everything—food, place, songs etc. Everything comes in ready-made form and the host just makes a final appearance to complete the occasion. They do every effort to make it as lavish as possible.

The catering people make myriad of dishes but nobody really seems caring. They don’t go there to savour the delicacies. Do they? If its bride’s place, you know they are trying to count the number of offerings and the amount one spent on this life time event. I bet you’ll easily spot a car, appropriately decorated to give the hint ‘this is the CAR’ (to be given in dowry. Oops! Gift).  How ironical! They don’t trust the bridegroom can even afford a comfortable ride for their daughter and still marrying her off. It is actually funny.

I never showed interest in dowry or whatever you call it. But soon I realized dowry is not actually a thing done for the so-called ‘welfare’ of a daughter but it’s a social compulsion. People find it unpalatable if a well-to-do family sends their daughter empty-handed. It’s not their fault; they are so in habit of seeing the exhibition of the wedding paraphernalia that it’s difficult not to be curious! Once I thought, ‘May be the girls carrying as much as possible things with her, stay happy for life’ but again I was proved wrong, when a very young woman in my neighbourhood, suddenly died. She was (supposedly) the victim of over-giving of dowry by her parents. Remember, more the better and I don’t know why but people love to get freebies and look at the girl’s parents; they keep distributing them.

It’s really disturbing how this gifting has become more of a curse to the girl’s post-marriage life. Governments get rid of the blame for many lives by making laws which prohibit ‘taking Dowry’ but don’t you think, ‘giving dowry’ should have been an equal offence. There are so many malpractices prevalent in our culture; it’s very difficult to curb them from roots.

But again, ‘it is difficult not impossible’. We can help zillion people only if come together. If you really wish to support your daughter, think again…there can be other ways except this.

Try saying ‘No’ to giving and taking ‘Dowry’. Stop ‘buying’ or ‘gifting’ a happy life for your daughter, if you really want to do something, gift her a ‘respectful life’ by making her ABLE—ready to face life, without needing any tag.

Photo credit:

http://english.pradesh18.com/news/bihar/married-woman-complains-of-dowry-harassment-by-husband-mother-in-law-701101.html

No ‘Gudiya’ after a ‘Pudiya’

sweet-baby

In India, festival fever is in-the-air. After pleasing our ancestors, we recently celebrated ‘Navratras’. Many of us queued up the temples; stayed grainless for days; did every sort of religious stuff and searched for ‘little girls’ to be worshiped (‘Kanya Poojan’) in order to complete this many-days-long ritual.

Because of prevailing ‘Girls paucity’, booking starts beforehand. Ironically, we never mind standing and waiting for hours in the streets for little girls, for a proclaimed worship but not many of us want to hear, ‘it’s a girl!’, while waiting outside the delivery room. Why this double standard?

images

I remember, when my daughter was born, many visitors were awfully grief-bound as I had to go through a ‘Caesarean’, and that too ‘for a girl!’It bemused me, more because such remarks came from ‘women’ themselves!

Nature itself has chosen ‘woman,’ as the life bearer. Only she can procreate. In simple words, without a ‘She’, there can be no ‘He’. But does ‘The Society,’ acknowledge this indispensable role of ‘her’ or even her existence?

Naughty-Baby

We live in such a society where you don’t have to do any research to answer this question. There are countless incidents on regular basis where woman is denied of her basic rights and is treated with bias. A country where a girl is supposed to be form of Goddess, crimes against her have reached their zenith. Some are shushed even before they can make their first sound. Many, who escape, are subjected to every possible mistreatment such as child-abuse, eve-teasing, honour- killing, dowry, domestic-violence, etc. Who is to be blamed? Humanity is moving to its ugliest nadir.

Blue-Eyes-Baby

Last year was a happening year in our country’s history as many initiatives were taken to safeguard the well-being of a ‘She’. Most advertised and adopted was, “Beti Bachao, Beti Parao” (Save and Educate a Girl Child). Every nook and corner was buzzing with related activities.

I was awestruck, “What time is it when someone else has to tell you not to kill your own unborn baby. Don’t you have enough heart and able mind, not to do it?

Santa-Baby

The longing for boys is so deep-rooted in their psyche that people don’t feel ashamed to go to any extent (sometimes unbelievable). When I was expecting, some elderly women would forecast the sex of the unborn child. One of them once asked, “Did you take the medicine?

My answer was ‘Yes’, as was properly following the meds prescribed by the physician.

Bet, it’s a boy then! Even your body language tells that”.

I was thinking about the connection between the medicines and sex of my un-born child!

On discovering what kind of medicine was being talked about, I was astonished and the ladies continued, “Everyone takes them and it’s a sure thing.”

I was literally laughing inside, “If making boys”, is such an easy job, what are our medical scientists on Earth doing?  They should stop researching in the lab, instead start searching these sure ‘sex-determiners’, as soon as possible.

Jokes apart, it’s a bitter truth, women (sometime educated too) go to such self-styled docs (willingly or forcibly) who give them some sort of ‘Pudiya’ (Packet) and after nine months… “It’s a baby boy!” (As told).

So finally, you know the ‘geniuses’ behind the declining ‘female-ratio’ in some parts of our country! Work is already in progress to make our country ‘smoke-free’, ‘plastic-free’, ‘porn-free’, and ‘pollution-free’. Who knows, may be some day, with such a mind-set, we will succeed in achieving the target of making entire region ‘girls-free’? – “No kidding!”